So much for richer or for poorer

By Phil Stanford

The Portland Tribune, Apr 25, 2006, Updated Oct 30, 2009

National joke writer Bill McDonald, never one to let considerations of simple decency or taste stand in his way, wishes to announce that his engagement to Clean Money candidate Emilie Boyles has been called off. “Once the city asked for the money back, we just sort of drifted apart,” he says sadly. É If you think you can take any more of this, Bill is throwing his first annual Tram Awards show tonight at It’s a Beautiful Pizza on Belmont Ñ to honor “Dubious achievements in city government.” Now that’s a show that could go on all night. É

And what do you suppose underdog City Council candidate Dave Lister calls his loyal band of followers? Why, “Listerines,” of course Ñ although Dave is the first to admit that at first he was a little worried that Proctor & Gamble might hit him with an infringement of copyright suit. É Not to worry, said supporter Rob Kremer (who’s been in the news lately for his attempt to buy the Blazers) Ñ “That’s the best thing that could happen to you.” With the election just weeks away, Dave’s got his fingers way crossed.

• • •

With Rose Festival almost upon us, it is once again my duty to remind the fine folks who run the damn thing that if they insist on calling the young ladies chosen to represent their high schools on the Rose Court “ambassadors,” they’d jolly well better call the overall winner secretary of state. É Or at least not queen, for goodness’ sake. That would be sexist or something. É Well, at least the kids aren’t fooled. As an obviously happy Kelly Edwards is quoted in the latest issue of the Franklin High newspaper, she’s always dreamed of being a “Rose princess” Ñ and now she is. É Congratulations, Kelly Ñ and congratulations to the rest of all you cute and accomplished little, uh, ambassadors out there. Now if the adults could just get their act straightened out. É Spotted on the sign of the Yukon Tavern at 5819 S.E. Milwaukie Ave.: “If Paul Allen had never met Bill Gates, he’d be cleaning toilets today.” É Well, it’s not nice to threaten the city with bankruptcy when you’re the sixth richest guy in the world, so there.

• • •

Clinton Street Theater owner Seth Sonstein is clearly a man who knows how to deal with uppity journalists. É Last week he grabbed Willy Week movie reviewer Becky Ohlsen in a headlock and smushed a pie in her face Ñ much to the consternation of local film critics, who naturally see this as a freedom of speech issue. É The Big O’s Michael Russell says that after a couple of unfavorable write-ups, Sonstein “accidentally” spilled a mug of beer in his lap. É Sonstein himself says it’s all in fun, and I, for one, believe him Ñ although I would like to take this opportunity to make perfectly clear that I consider “Roam,” the mountain bike film which played there this weekend, a cinematic masterpiece. É A street person lurking outside of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer got more than he bargained for last Thursday morning when he tried to grab a purse belonging to an 85-year-old lady who just didn’t want to let go Ñ not even after she lost her footing and found herself being dragged across the parking lot. At which point the would-be thief realized he was out of his league and took off running. É Seven squad cars responded to the scene, set up a perimeter, and within 20 minutes the miscreant was in handcuffs. Nice going, guys.

Contact Phil Stanford by phone at 503-546-5166 or by e-mail at philstanford@portlandtribune.com.

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